Donut spaceship leaves behind tall Albino bodybuilder. He undresses and drinks a cup of goo. Goo kills him - Albino’s DNA deconstructed and then reconstructed to create new life, as in, us mortals. Why? Because he can.
Fast forward thousands and thousands of years we find Dr. Elizabeth Shaw and her life/science partner staring at some cave drawings.
Shaw: Look, loverboy, look at that giant pointing to those circles. It’s exactly the same as every other cave drawing we’ve found ALL OVER THE WORLD. This is obviously an invitation to outer space to meet our creators.
Holloway: WOOOO!!!! I may act like an idiotic bogan but I’m really a smart scientist. I wanna meet my creators! WOOOOO!! But I’m also alcoholic. WOOOO!!!
Fast forward about 90 years and we are aboard a spaceship with it’s very own robot butler (David) who also happens to be very good looking.
Shaw: I just woke up after sleeping for two years in a pod…PUUUUURRGFFFFFFF…
Holloway: WOOOOO!!! Baby we’re here! WOOOOOO!!
Captain: It’s Christmas, let’s deck the halls. [Whips Christmas tree out of his ass]
Fifield: Nobody talk to me because I only love money and rocks. And I’m going to die anyway, so who cares what I’m like.
Millburn: I’m a biologist and I took an oath before coming onboard that if I see weird alien creatures, I shall pet them no matter how dangerous they look.
That’s about all the crew (even though it said 17 crew…the rest aren’t important). Oh and not to forget, Vickers. She’s the ill-tempered adolescent who constantly yells out commands that nobody follows and whines about wanting to go home.
Vickers: Hey after sleeping for 2 years without knowing why, let’s all do a debriefing where I’ll finally explain to you why you’re on a spaceship.
There’s a hologram of Weyland with really bad aging make up and effects: Blah Blah.
Shaw: We’re here to meet our creators! It’s clearly an invitation, just look at the cave paintings!
Holloway: WOOOOO!!!
Fifield: So fuck evolution and Darwin?
Shaw: I choose to believe. Because I really can’t be bothered to think of a reason.
Holloway: WOOOOO!!!!!
They all suit up and of course, weapons are not allowed and then of course, Fifield and Millburn chicken out and of course, those two dickheads get lost.
Oh and there’s also a German woman with unnecessary lines: The air here is somehow pure. It’s breathable.
Holloway: I’m taking this helmet off!
Shaw: No! You might get killed or de——
Holloway: WOOOOO!!! I did it already bitch.
David magically knows everything that humans don’t and he magically pushes some buttons and some holograms of elephant men are running away and they all die.
Shaw: Let’s take elephant man’s head back.
David: Pushes more buttons.
Shaw: There’s black goo … everything is melting!
David: This is interesting. [steals a melting gooing urn back to lab]
Holloway: [walks around a mysterious green crystal] Should I WOOO? because I haven’t yet decided if this crystal is cool or not..
Captain: Y’all stupid idiots, there’s a storm coming and y’all better get back into the ship. Don’t trip or drop shit cos you will die.
Shaw: Ooops…my elephant head, I dropped it! I gotta run out into the storm to get it…
Holloway: Shit, my girlfriend is blown away.
David: [face palm] Now I shall calmly save you loser humans. Hold up.
Moments later back inside the lab in the spaceship…
Shaw and german lady: Let’s do science on the head!! Make it think it’s still alive.
[Insert probe and electrocute the shit out of it]
Elephant head: Fuck, what are you doing to me? Let me rest in peace! I died already! GAHHHH…..my head is exploding!! [Head explodes and green gooey shit is everywhere]
Shaw: Hm…what can we do next? Let’s take some DNA and match it with ours! [GASP] It is us. We are them…..
Holloway: Really? Yay but I’m drunk. I dunno, I drank something weird that David gave me. I think he put some black goo in it……oh shit. Oh well, let’s have sex!
Whilst everyone was having sex…
Millburn: Hey! There’s a snake with a vagina head swimming in the black goo. I was just about to go to bed but it’s so cute and I can’t help but pet it. Remember, I took an oath!
Fifield: Don’t touch that shit.
Millburn: It’s too late! It’s breaking my arm and squirming it’s way into my suit and OOps…it just went down my throat. [DIES]
Fifield: SHIT…I’m gonna save you man….but hesitantly. I shall try to cut it with my tiny nail filer. Oh shit, it’s blood is melting my helmet onto my face. [Kinda dies]
The following day….
Holloway: Oh shit there’s a worm in my eye!
Shaw: Are you sick baby?
Holloway: I think I can walk it off.
Shaw: Okay, I believe you are fine even though you’re very pale and your eyes are a scary black and you have black veins popping out of your neck and you’re stumbling everywhere. I choose to believe.
Captain: Let’s go find those two idiots. Oh we found them…they’re dead.
Holloway: Erm guys, sorry to interrupt our momentary sadness, but I’m feeling kinda sick. Maybe carry me back to the ship please?
Meanwhile, Vickers is armed with a fire-torch at the gates of the ship and ready to kill any “contaminated shit”, i.e. Holloway.
Shaw: Please we can save him!
Holloway: Baby, I’m sick. Let her kill me. WOOOOO!!!! [Runs into fire]
Shaw collapses at the sight of her crispy boyfriend. The rest of the crew are thinking: Well three down. There’s still 14 to go. Now’s not the time to be sad.
Moments later back on the ship….
David: Dr. Shaw are you awake? You feeling okay? Oh by the way, you’re pregnant. With an alien. You know, since you had sex with Holloway after I infected him with black goo.
Shaw: SHIT! It’s growing so quick…oh shit! This is just like Bella and Edward’s vampire baby!!
[Beats up all scientists and runs to the surgery pod where she manually cuts out Shaw Jr. out of her uterus and casually staples it back together]
Shaw Jr.: MOMMY!!! Why did you take me out so early? Why don’t I look like you or any other alien babies? WHY AM I AN OCTOPUS??
Shaw: Fuck you kid. [Hits the decontaminate button and gasses the shit out of the octopus]
[So Shaw is running around and she stumbles across David washing the feet of none other but the supposedly dead Weyland!]
Weyland: Oh Dr. Shaw! How lovely it is to meet you! Your stapled abdomen and blood-covered body is looking rather fine!
Shaw: Thank you for asking. So why are we here? Those Albino bodybuilders weren’t what we thought they were! They wanted to kill us but somehow they all died in piles out there…
Weyland: Yes dear, but David found one who’s still alive inside a sleep pod. I’m going to ask him how I can live forever. And then he can kill you or whoever, I don’t really care.
Shaw: Fine, I’m coming with you. Even though you infected my lover and impregnated me with an octopus, I shall believe what you say. I choose to believe.
Meanwhile….
Captain: Hey look! There’s a mangled Fifield outside the ship! His legs are bent over backwards over his head! That shit looks legit. It must be him. Let’s go check it out.
Random dudes: Hey Captain, it is Fifield. He looks a little bit like a mutant ape creature but I think it’s safe to turn my back onto him while I just stand here and talk for a really long time.
Fifield: RARRRRR [jumps up and kills a bunch of people before he himself is killed]
On the way out to find Albino…..
David: Oh I am a robot but I need the approval of Weyland. He created me, he’s my daddy. But if I get him killed, I shall be free.
Shaw: You’re messed up. Only humans can be this messed up.
Weyland: DAVID! Wake up that Albino! Ask him how I can live eternally!
Shaw: No! Ask him why? Why create and then kill us?
David: Sometimes, one must destroy in order to create.
Giant Albino wakes up and tears David’s head out of his body and smashes the shit out of Weyland and the other unknown people.
Shaw: Shit. I gotta run. My uterus may be stapled but it sure is holding up well.
While the Giant Albino bodybuilder attempts to fly the donut spaceship to Earth and launch missiles of black goo onto it….
Shaw: CAPTAIN! Do you hear me? Albino is going to destroy earth! You gotta stop them! I’m trying to make my way back to the ship but it’s too late….
Captain: No problemo! I shall crash my spaceship into his even though it probably won’t do much damage and end up just killing my crew for no reason!
Vickers: NOO…I want to go home! No, you take my orders! This is my ship! [Nobody listens so she scurries to get suited up and ejaculates herself out of the ship]
Shaw: Hey Vickers! You came out to keep me company? Aww how sweet! Oh shit….Captain’s spaceship exploded upon collision but it didn’t do any damage! Hey watch out! That huge donut spaceship is crashing down! Donut spaceship is still completely intact and it’s rolling towards us!!! RUNNN!!
Vickers: Every horror movie needs a dumb blonde chick who runs in a straight line and has to fall a couple of times. I shall be that person! [GETS CRUSHED BY DONUT SHIP AND DIES]
Meanwhile Shaw rolls to the right and out of danger.
Shaw’s helmet: You have 2 minutes of oxygen left.
Shaw: Oh shit! Thank god there’s a capsule here. [Runs inside] Oh shit…my baby is all grown up and lashing to get out! What shall I do?
David: Shaw! Do you hear me? Albino is out to get you! He seemed very angry….
Shaw: Oh shit.
Albino: RARRRRRR…..
Shaw: TAKE THIS SHIT! [Presses button and unleashes her baby]
Shaw Jr.: Mommy, I shall make you proud! Let me use all my 10 teethy vaginas to suck the shit out of this Albino.
Albino: I ain’t no easy Albino. I’m a body builder too! I shall resist! RARRRRRR
Shaw Jr.: Yea? Wait till you see my snake penis with a vagina head with teeth all over it and shove that down your throat! Take that!
Shaw runs back out again with replenished oxygen and finds David.
David: I can help you.
Shaw: Even though you indirectly killed my man and gave me a weird octopus, I choose to believe you. BUT…we’re not going back to Earth. I wanna go to where those Albinos came from.
David: WHY?
Shaw: Because I need to have answers to my questions! Like why were there so many different types of aliens! Why did my baby look like an octopus? Why are YOU so handsome? Why did the Albinos create us and then try to kill us? What the hell is that black goo? Why did Holloway have a WORM in his eye? Why did Millburn try to play with the alien? How is it possible that I can run and fight right after a manual surgery I performed on myself with no anaesthetics?? WHY?!!!!
David: Okay. Let’s go. [Flies a second donut spaceship up into the sky and off into space]
Albino: I created you humans who then created more humans who then created an octopus who then created inside of me another alien….and it’s coming out!!!
Alien: [jumps out of Albino’s abdomen] RARRRRRRRRRRR
Alien’s second jaws: [extends out of Alien’s first jaws] RARRRRRRRRRRR
[The end]
