On cosmic entanglement

The other night, I was speaking to a friend of mine about my sudden interest in psi experiences. I told him of this fascinating research I read where men could predict accurately above chance at which corner pornographic images would pop up on a computer screen.

Say WHAAAATTT?? Psychology sounds like fun…He silently muses for a while, with a funny look on his face. I suppose he was thinking of the porn. I'm not sure, I didn't ask.

Both of us, being more reliant on logic and scientific rigour, were of course, rather skeptic to this whole ordeal.

But WHY would people believe in it for so many centuries if there weren't any truth to it? I cried incessantly.

But … predicting the future?! That defies ALL logic! He cried back. Even if it were porn!! 

WHY ARE WE YELLING? 

I DON'T KNOW. BECAUSE IT DEFIES ALL LOGIC…….

And then we debated a little more back and forth to no avail and decided to move on to other less logic-defying topics.

The following day, he tells me of how he had to get a vaccine in his arm. You know, IF we were entangled in this big cosmic soup, you should be able to feel the pain in your shoulder. 

My eyes widened as I cried, Oh My Good Lord. I walked into the door frame today and my shoulder IS sore….. fuccckk..

Say WHAAAAT??? 

On being more present

I often get caught up with overthinking. I analyse and try to come up with every single possible outcome. I claim that it's the logical approach and that critical thinking is a great skill to have. But in all reality, I don't like to take risks and I'm often anxious and afraid. My natural predisposition is to oppose change and question everything I do. 

Recently, I've gotten really caught up in overthinking once again. As I'm telling Ro about it, he looks at me with a shocked expression, Woah, slow down, Jam. You've gone way ahead of yourself. And then I suddenly stopped, You're absolutely right. And then I remembered the quote from Alice in Wonderland, where Alice meets the Cheshire Cat and asks for directions. 

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
"I don't much care where — " said Alice.
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
" — so long as I get somewhere," Alice added as an explanation.
"Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough." 

 Ro smiles, You're still figuring out what you want. Do that. But in the meantime, slow down. Try live in the present. Taking a deep breath, I nod. Thank you for the reminder. I needed that.

Desperately believing a lie

I look at him and I don’t say anything. 

“What’s behind that cold mask of yours?” He pulls my chin closer with his index finger and leans in, whispering, “I want to know you, everything about you, all of you.” 

I’ve seen this in cheesy movies and my brain tells me it’s a cheap move. But I can not suppress this thrill I am feeling. This would be the moment my pupils dilate and my heart beat faster, as any old cliche would go. It was everything I wanted to hear. I fight the urge, I fight so hard. How could one line like that just tear down my walls? 

Against all will, all intention, I look up at him with wide, hungry eyes: I am air — cheap, free. Inhale me. All of me. 

And I began to fall. My walls dissipated. My deepest, darkest was let loose. It was hope. I allowed myself to feel hope…

But all that seemed like a forever ago. Now, I can’t even feel anything anymore. I want to laugh because it all sounds so ridiculously funny. Hope, what a silly word.

“I know you’re scared, but I won’t hurt you.”  

“You are so broken, let me in. Let me fix you.”

His words would not stop replaying in my mind. What I once drank in hungrily and greedily is now a blade on my skin. “I won’t hurt you.” Slice. Blood. Pain.

Why, why do I let this happen to myself over and over? 

I feel dirty. I feel used. I feel stupid, worthless, ugly. All the disgust I had for myself which I had naively and desperately wished he could take away came crashing back ten folds stronger. I had longingly desired him, like a whimpering dog waiting for someone to rescue. 

No, I didn’t desire him, I desired to be desired. The reflection in his eyes was not of me, but an illusion of everything I desperately wanted to be. An illusion of myself - pretty, loveable, desired. 

But that’s all that it was, an illusion. 

The cold bathroom tiles feel hard against my body. The pain radiates through my veins as I watch the thick blood drip. This, is real. This, is me — undeserving, unlovable, worthless, disgusting, dirty, nothing. 

Pinakothek

English Garden

Marienplatz

The mosquito bite remedy

I know, I know, you're thinking -- another post about mosquitoes? -- and yes, I am very outspoken about my dislike towards annoying skeeters but please hear me out. This isn't a hate post or anything about my silly epiphanies. This is a real life story that I want to share. 

Following the universal rule that girls must go to the washroom in pairs, my dear friend Sticky and I embarked on our journey together. We were having washroom chit chat whilst washing our hands and upon seeing the mosquito bites on my arm, she says, oh, did you know that to stop mosquito bites from itching you can put ... 

Saliva on it?! I interrupt and finish her sentence. 

What? Ewww.....no, I was going to say soap. Sticky looks at me with a disdained expression. 

What? Saliva helps. Seriously. Something about the proteins or what not..I scramble for some science to back up my claims. 

We walk out and kept talking, about what exactly, I don't quite remember. I guess we talk a lot about insignificant stuff. 

Anyways, after sitting back down with our other friends, Sticky suddenly says, I read somewhere that urine helps to stop itches. 

What?! Everyone exclaims. Ewwww.... We all chimed in unison. 

Sticky...you think dabbing saliva on a mosquito bite is disgusting..but peeing on yourself is fine?! I say out loud. 

I then had this hypothetical situation of Sticky in my head: Crap! I got bit by a mosquito and it's so itchy...hm...I don't have soap and saliva is too gross. Oh here, lemme pee on my arm....

After vigorously laughing at my friend for about two minutes, I took a deep breath and sighed. Hey Sticky, can I write about you on my blog? I'll give you a pseudonym to protect your identity....please?? I asked my dear/dumb friend with a grin. Hahaha 

Those damned mozzies

Six, seven, eight...on my left arm. One, two, three on my other arm. 

I twist my head and try to look at the back of my leg. Four, five... 

A clump near my ankles. 

Why, and when, did I get so many mosquito bites?! I furiously scratch my left arm, then the back of my thigh, my ankles and then my right arm. Only to feel the insatiable itch on my left arm again. Arrrghhh..

Desperately trying to distract myself, I Google "Why do mosquitoes bite some people more than others?" Yes, I tend to type complete sentences into Google — asking questions as I would a real person. 

According to my research, it seems like a person's blood type, body temperature, amount of carbon dioxide breathed out, and skin makeup all contribute somehow. Interestingly, drinking beer makes you a more delicious meal, too.

Do I have a high body temperature? Did I drink beer? Maybe, I might have drank beer.... When suddenly, a thought flew into my head so abruptly I stopped in my tracks. 

Oh I am having this amazing thought. 

My internal dialogue can be a bit funny in that I almost seem to narrate to myself my own thoughts. 

What if...since my nose is so blocked all the time, I end up breathing through my mouth, which leads to me breathing out more carbon dioxide...which attracts mosquitoes. 

My eyes widened with excitement at my lightbulb moment. Feeling smart and content with my newfound knowledge, I continue walking with a smirk on my face.

Not even a minute later though, that horrendous itch taunted me once again. 

Arrgghh... what good does it do to know?! I need it to stop! Mozzies....stop tormenting me!! 

In an attempt to tear off my arm with my fingernails, I make a mental note to buy some repellent.

As always, prevention is better than cure.

This thing called love

"And what is this thing called love?!" she exclaims, exasperatedly. 

With tears brimming her large eyes, she laughs ironically. "I'm only 17!! I should be out there, partying; having the time of my life! Not here moping and being all pathetic about a guy. A guy who I probably won't remember 10 years down the track. I know all this, I do! But I'm still so sad, and so pathetic and I'm so scared that I'll continue being sad and pathetic for the rest of my life — being hung up over this one guy who shouldn't matter to me at all...." 

"What is this love thing doing to me?" she whispers, with fresh tears streaming down her face. 

Where does the good go? by Tegan and Sara 

Perfectly captures the feeling...

"Where do you go with your broken heart in tow

What do you do with the left over you

And how do you know when to let go

Where does the good go? Where does the good go?

Look me in the eye and tell you don't find me attractive

Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go

Look me in the eye and promise no love is like our love

Look me in the heart and unbreak broken

It won't happen..."

On Suffering, Meaning and Life

On my recent trip to Germany, I had the chance to visit the Dachau concentration camp. It was one of the most intense and unreal experiences I have had - it was eerie, terrifying and definitely thought-provoking. This was especially so at the isolation bunkers. Just walking along the corridors made my heart heavy and I felt frightened to my core. Imagining what the prisoners would have felt was not even possible, and it left me both deeply saddened and in awe. In awe because it amazed me how some prisoners found it in themselves to push on and endure and survive such extreme torture. It reminded me of Viktor Frankl's book that I had to read in existential psychology and his ultimate conclusion that even in the most painful and dehumanising situation, life has potential meaning and thus, even suffering is meaningful. 

-A gas chamber disguised as a shower room in Dachau-

Of course I could not even attempt to understand what those prisoners had to endure, but it did make me ask myself, for what am I complaining about? 

On salvaging relationships

Coming back from an amazing trip to Germany and Austria, I've noticed myself becoming spiteful and miserable to all things HK. There's too many people, the weather is horrible, and just about everything reminds me of everything that is not Europe. Nobody likes being the bitter, scorned bitch, so I've decided to take active steps to salvage my fast deteriorating relationship with Hong Kong. 

So with a hopeful heart and open arms, I went about my daily activities but with a keen eye for all things interesting and appealing. And here's what I've found...

If there's one thing Hong Kong is best for, it's definitely people watching. There are literally all sorts of people from all walks of life here - from the impeccably dressed to the eclectic clad right down to the stereotypical mainland tourist wearing the brightest, shiniest, weirdest trends. 

It's been rainy these past couple of days but the great thing about Hong Kong is that the longest trek without any cover is probably only 30 seconds. Thus, I don't even need to carry an umbrella. It reminded me of the time back in Australia during high school when I was walking home and it suddenly began to hail. I was halfway home and literally had nowhere to hide (I was in the middle of an open football field) and I had to run home screaming in pain as icey golf balls battered me. 

And of course, not to mention the beautiful skyline! And the iconic old style junk.

Until my next trip, I suppose I'll keep trying to remind myself of the positives of Hong Kong! 

Her best journey yet

So, my little cousin recently embarked on her very first journey to the land down under. She applied for a working holiday visa and bought herself a plane ticket. Seeing her off made me think back to my own working holiday a few years back. I told her of my experiences and how I felt it was the best thing I've ever done with my life. Going away someplace new is scary, but it was definitely well worth it. It defined my life and shaped me into a better person; I became more mature, worldly and gained a whole new perspective on life. I told her that this trip will make her care less about branded bags, how good she looked or how much money she earned. She would most likely live a poor life over there but she would definitely be richer in every other aspect of life. Seeing her off made me miss those days. It reminded me of how I've let responsibilities and "life" tie me down. Maybe it's time shake things up again, who knows? 

Wo ist Walter? Where’s Wally? In Munich! #whereswally #wally #munich #emergencytrip2014 #street #happy #childhood

Leo Tolstoy “The Confession”

But five years ago something very strange began to happen to me. At first I began having moments of bewilderment, when my life would come to a halt, as if I did not know how to live or what to do; I would lose my presence of mind and fall into a state of depression. But this passed, and I continued to live as before. Then the moments of bewilderment recurred more frequently, and they always took the same form. Whenever my life came to a halt, the questions would arise: Why? And what next?

At first I thought these were pointless and irrelevant questions. I thought that the answers to them were well known and that if I should ever want to resolve them, it would not be too hard for me; it was just that I could not be bothered with it now, but if I should take it upon myself, then I would find the answers. But the questions began to come up more and more frequently, and their demands to be answered became more and more urgent …

The questions seemed to be such foolish, simple, childish questions. But as soon as I laid my hands on them and tried to resolve them, I was immediately convinced, first of all, that they were not childish and foolish questions but the most vital and profound questions in life, and, secondly, that no matter how much I pondered them there was no way I could resolve them. Before I could be occupied with my Samara estate, with the education of my son, or with the writing of books, I had to know why I was doing these things. As long as I do not know the reason why, I cannot do anything. In the middle of my concern with the household, which at the time kept me quite busy, a questions would suddenly come into my head: “Very well, you will have 16,200 acres in the Samara province, as well as 300 horses; what then?” And I was completely taken aback and did not know what else to think. As soon as I started to think about the education of my children, I would ask myself, “Why?” Or I would reflect on how the people might attain prosperity, and I would suddenly ask myself, “What concern is it of mine?” Or in the middle of thinking about the fame that my works were bringing me I would say to myself, “Very well, you will be more famous than Gogol, Pushkin, Shakespeare, Moliere, more famous than all the writers in the world - so what?

And I could find absolutely no reply.

My life came to a stop. I could breathe, eat, drink, and sleep; indeed, I could not help but breathe, eat, drink, and sleep. But there was no life in me because I had no desires whose satisfaction I would have found reasonable. If I wanted something, I knew beforehand that it did not matter whether or not I got it.

If a fairy had come and offered to fulfill my every wish, I would not have known what to wish for. If in moments of intoxication I should have not desires but the habits of old desires, in moments of sobriety I knew that it was all a delusion, that I really desired nothing. I did not even want to discover truth anymore because I had guessed what it was. The truth was that life is meaningless …

The only thing that amazed me was how I had failed to realize this in the very beginning. All this had been common knowledge for so long. If not today, then tomorrow sickness and death will come (indeed, they were already approaching) to everyone, to me, and nothing will remain except the stench and the worms. My deeds, whatever they may be, will be forgotten sooner or later, and I myself will be no more. Why, then, do anything? How can anyone fail to see this and live? That’s what is amazing! It is possible to live only as long as life intoxicates us; once we are sober we cannot help seeing that it is all a delusion, a stupid delusion! Nor is there anything funny or witty about it; it is only cruel and stupid.

End stigma

Link: End stigma

Having a mental illness is no different from diabetes or gastrointestinal problems. So why is there so much shame and guilt involved? Why does the mental illness define ones identity? Why is having depression seen as weak? Bipolar seen as unstable? Schizophrenia seen as crazy, dangerous? It’s time to stand up, and end stigma.

my blackened nose

Today, every time I went to the bathroom, I’d look in the mirror and notice the tip of my nose was blackened. I’d wipe it off and then there it was again! I was washing my hands and inspecting leaky pens…when I suddenly realized the culprit. #starbucks #yousuck #isthisfunforyou

Did I even want to know?

You think you know someone, but you don’t. You try. Try so hard. To believe. To want to believe. But what is the truth? After all, you’ve know him all your life, but how much do you really know? You’ve watched him, played with him, piggy-backed on him but what do you really know? And when the truth is finally out, you ask yourself, did I even want to know?

So, I booked my flight just then. It’s really a rather spontaneous act on my part. I mean, I just decided on it two days ago. But I thought to myself, what the heck! I gotta get out of my shell once in a while. Traveling to Europe has always been a romanticized dream of mine. If I could, I would go for months and explore every cobblestoned path I come across. Although I only have a short time, I do feel extremely grateful and lucky that I am fortunate enough to travel when I want. And seriously, I am already falling in love with cities I have yet to go. I absolutely cannot wait to be amazed, astonished and blown away by beautiful museums, architecture, culture, people, food and wine.

The saddest people I’ve ever met in life are the ones who don’t care deeply about anything at all. Passion and satisfaction go hand in hand, and without them, any happiness is only temporary, because there’s nothing to make it last.

Nicholas Sparks

wolf of wall street

As I left the cinema, I walked away with a heavy heart. I had this deep disturbing uneasiness in me. I thought to myself, I did not like that movie. It wasn’t that the movie was bad, I mean, Leonardo did a great job. It was funny, entertaining, and fast paced. But I just did not like it. It was depressing. Taunting you right in the face with the greediness of men. Losing the last traces of humanness to money. Throwing away what little meaning there was to life. And for what? All for the relentless chase of money. And the worst thing? It never stops. And that is why I did not like the movie.

We are often running around, anxious about getting to our next appointment on time, worried about whether our life compares to others, fretting about putting make up on in the morning so as to look presentable, but conscious not to go overboard because no one wants to be the office slut, conflicted daily about food and weight, guilt trips down to the gym, crazy calls from the boss late at night, and still having to smile and be composed, because dear god no one calls us “crazy” or … “women”. Because it is said in such a derogatory manner, “women”, instantly justifying any bigotry slur that follows, instantly becoming the punch line of some joke, instantly bringing about empathetic nods from others that puts us back over in the crazy box once again.

So lately, I’ve been practicing a moment meditation - a mindful minute. Just bringing all my focus on my breathing and just noticing my thoughts. And letting them go. Because I’m tired of trying to defend myself, tired of trying to be everything for everyone. Because it’s time I took better care of myself.

Jill Mansell, Millie’s Fling

But money or no money, we’re all searching for the same things aren’t we? It doesn’t matter who you are or how much money you have. Love and happiness that’s what it’s all about.

This part really cracked me up. #catcherintherye #salinger #teenageangst #reading #kindle

F. Scott Fitzgerald

The loneliest moment in someones life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.

A post about depression

There are many stories about depression. The dark times, the empty void, the downward spiral. Yet, many triumphant survivors tell of their success. How they beat depression. How they overcame depression. How they came back out stronger, better, happier and healthier. But what about those who are still on the battlefield? If only someone could put a timeframe from start to finish. Then you could measure your success according to how long it should last. “Is there something wrong with me?” That’s a question I keep hearing. “Why am I still not better?”

This post today is not about successfully beating depression. No, it is more about how do you live with depression. In what way does depression morph into your self identity? I’ve had someone tell me that his depression is like his best friend, in a twisted kind of way. He said, “Everything comes and goes and at the end of the day, you’re gonna face it yourself. But for me, at least I know that depression is always with me. It’s actually almost comforting, in a sickening sort of way.” It doesn’t matter how you see depression, but know that nobody can tell you how to feel. Your feelings are legitimate, they are real. Just because you have depression, does not mean there is something wrong, something to be “fixed”. 

Because, what is it like to be “cured”? Does anybody even know?

It's a new year, a new beginning

Day one of a new year. It got me thinking of 2013. It was an eventful year with some big changes in my life. There were definitely things that I could’ve done better, but I’ve always been an advocate of ‘no regrets’ because I believe there is always something to learn, something to gain. 

I was able to travel to the States for the first time. I went to Chicago and had an amazing time at their institute of art and see the beautiful architecture of the city. I was able to expand my social circle and reconnect with old friends. They saw me through laughter, tears and joy. I had my heart broken and probably also broke some along the way. It allowed me to see things with a wider perspective and learn how to truly let go. Nobody likes being the bad guy but it has given me the opportunity to face my fear of confrontation and be honest and upfront. I could definitely have handled things better but it’s a learning curve. I definitely had some proud moments and achievements where my hard work paid off. I was able to pass my clinical competency exam, be offered a job after my internship, and be a guest speaker on a program I assisted in developing. I was able to meet and work with established professionals in my field and learn from them. I ate some amazingly good food whilst being able to maintain a relatively healthy diet. I had the best fruit tart ever, most amazing salmon risotto, the best best best steak I ever had in my life, and oh, some really, really, REALLY good wine. I was able to visit my hometown and go to the wineries and stock up on my favourite wines. I was also lucky to be able to go with friends who were organized and well-planned and all I had to do was show up! I was able to meet with old friends who now live across oceans and spend quality time catching up. Even though we don’t have the chance to see each other frequently, we are always able to pick up right where we left off and never run out of things to talk about. I was able to have an even closer relationship with my mother and see her strength and optimism shine through during tough times. I was also able to see my younger brother grow and evolve into a man and reap the efforts he’s put into his career. I was able to try new things that I have never done before - went on some pretty amazing hiking feats, took up running, and gymming. I still suck at sports and exercise, but I’ve never enjoyed being active this much before. I was able to enjoy relatively good health. Apart from my chronically stuffed nose, I was generally ail free. I was able to find time to read books. I was introduced to books that I would never have read otherwise, and it has given me things to think about (like I need more). And I’m also very thankful for the fact that there are people out there who read my blog and find me funny! Today’s post isn’t particularly funny, but it is definitely heartfelt and genuine.

There are many more things that I am thankful for, but nothing would have been without the people and love I received. I am so grateful to be where I am right now and I have a feeling that 2014 will reel in even bigger and better things. I wish that you also can look back at 2013 and be thankful for the ups and downs, because there is always something to learn, something to gain. As for new year’s resolutions, I hope that I will be able to step out of my comfort zone and try new things, and be excited about life. Happy new year, you :)