Yesterday, went out to Kyobo, maybe the largest book store in Seoul. I was quite impressed with it…but in no way did it compare to the one in Taiwan…their English section was not bad, but not as good as I would’ve liked! However, even so, I spent quite a while in there..if it was any bigger, I would’ve gladly made myself a campsite right there.
Read 1/2 of a book there, titled How to Love. I know, sounds cheesy, but hey, it brought up some very interesting notions. It’s by a psychiatrist, or I guess, a marriage therapist. It wasn’t exactly on dating problems as such nor did it say things like “If he doesn’t call you, he doesn’t love you” in it. What I found very intriguing was that it all seems so plain and obvious, yet we somehow all miss it.
It made me think why we humans are so self-absorbed and so self-awarding..why is it that when good things happen (whether it was our efforts or pure luck), we are quick to attribute that to ourselves. And when bad things happen…we try to blame everyone but ourselves and wade around in self-pity crying “Why me?” Well…it may sound brutal, but why not you?
If good things happen by chance, then inevitably bad things will happen too. So why do we have this expectation that we should get the good things, and someone else should get the bad? I think it’s the same for relationships/marriages. Throughout the course of life, I think everyone’s probably seen more failed or failing or unsuccessful marriages than loving, respecting ones…so why do we think it should be that we will be the ones with a fairytale ending?
It can be fair to say that no-one expects their spouse to look the way they did in their wedding photos 10 years later. Then why do we expect the rest to not change? People change; our surroundings, life-events and so on all contribute to shaping who we are. Our core personality stays stable but things do change. We change ourselves, but yet we cry “You were never like this before”. Well, sadly but true, you never used to look this this before either. So can you be blamed?
I think the root of failure, is that, unrealistic expectations. I don’t mean to say that we should not expect happy endings. What I mean is, the expectation of a fairytale blinds us, and even though the other person is blatantly wrong for us, we are so caught up in chasing our dreams that we forget the present. We forget to see. Somehow, we think love can change a person for the better. Maybe. But wouldn’t it be better if we started out with someone who was actually right for us, than trying to change someone who wasn’t? Nobody’s perfect, that we all know. But I don’t think we should have the mindset to change someone. Rather, I would prefer to grow together.
As I was reading that book, a phrase stuck with me.
It said “Don’t blame the mirror for your reflection”.
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